The World Is Calling Me

I seem to be in a new phase in my life. Or maybe I am in the same phase I was in a few years ago before I fell into period of low energy. It looks like I am on the cusp of something new, or maybe it is just a brand new illusion. Life is an illusion. It gives us hope, it takes away hope, it moves us to top and brings us to bottom. I am not quite sure what is happening right now, but it is a lot better than the past couple of years. I was depressed about a lot of things, but now hope and energy is flowing through me. Not everything is great though. Earlier, I used to be the King of the world on Mondays, a hopeless beggar on Tuesdays, a radiant sun on Wednesdays, the filth at the bottom of a worn-out boot on Thursdays, but now I am going through these mood swings on a single day. I am a giant to walk among men by Morning, a bit suicidal by noon, and back to my royal self by evening. I am not quite sure what is happening. Overall I seem to be battling my demons and winning, but they do come back and deliver nasty blows when I think of rejoicing my victories.

The World seems to be calling me back. “Hello, there! We could have so much fun! Why don’t you step right in? 🙂 🙂 🙂 ”

“But dear World, I know you and your tricks. You seduce me in, and right when I think I am stepping into a garden of roses, the green grass gives way to a deep chasm of darkness.”

“Hmmmm. That sounds like an accurate description,” mutters the World. “But tell me then, boy. Why are you falling for it?”

“I am not falling for it.”

“Really?” says the World with a hint of menace. “Then why do you go down when you’re supposed to be up?”

“That is a good question,” I say, suddenly brooding at the truth in World’s words.

“I know that”, says the World gleefully. “I always ask the right questions.”

“Don’t you want to rule me?” asks the World innocently. “Think about it! You can be a King and tower over the rest. This is your time!”

“Well…,” I say thoughtfully. “All that sounds nice and fine. I would love that. But…”

“But what?”

“But, you are laying a trap for me, aren’t you?” I ask.

The glee disappears from World’s face. “No, I am not. Just think about all the happiness that you can have. Don’t you want that?”

“Yes.”

“Then take my hand, come right in.”

I stand my ground.

“You need to take a decision now, my boy,” says the World impatiently. “Look at all that I have to offer. I can give you the greatness that you long for, vast riches, fame, love, and much more. There is nothing that I don’t have and you know it.”

“Yes, I am aware. I know what you are capable of.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” says the World impatiently.

“I don’t want to be part of this rat race,” I say.

“What if I give you something you want so badly?”

“Give it and I will see.”

“But what else are you going to do if you don’t want to be a part of me?” says the World.

“I don’t know,” I admit.

“You stand between what you want and the imaginary and think that somehow, magically, you will be happy,” smirks the World. “Am I wrong, little boy?”

“No,” comes out my voice feebly.

“Then come and take what you want.”

“You make it sound so easy,” I say. “I know for a fact that things are not easy.”

“You’re right. Life is not easy, life is unfair, I admit,” says the World. “But what else is there to do?”

“I don’t want pain.”

“You will find it even if you don’t take any action,” says the World. “I mean, aren’t you already experiencing some of it?”

The World is right. Unhappiness is banging at my gates and I am using all my energy to keep it out. I am strong right now and so I am able to fight with all my might, but I do know that one small little dent could take me down badly.

“So?”

“What do you want of me?” I ask, exasperated.

What is it that I should do to get out of this madness?

 

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Pointillism

Through a series of events, that started on a Piewdiepie YouTube video on this Friday night (day before yesterday), I ended up visiting a website. I bookmarked the site and visited it again yesterday, and as I browsed through this site I came across the word Pointillism for the first time in my life. Pointillism is a kind of art technique in which the artist creates images through a series of dots. That Piewdiepie video had absolutely nothing to do with Pointillism or any kind of art. Even the website had nothing to do with art, but just referenced this form of art as an example for something.

Today, just a few hours back, I was casually flipping through the pages of The Times of India and I learnt through an article that a rock art, 38,000 years old — the oldest rock art discovered till date — has images carved using the technique of Pointillism!  It was found in France, and until this discovery it was thought that Pointillism had its origin in the 19th century! Here’s a link to that. Wow! I felt a bit strange when I read this today. Why do these kind of strange coincidences happen in life? It is said that there are no coincidences and that everything happens for a reason. If that is the case, why did this little “insignificant” coincidence happened in my life? Obviously this is a major discovery for the person who did this, it is a major discovery for rock-art enthusiasts, archaeologists, and maybe many other art enthusiasts. But for me, personally, this is insignificant. Maybe I should just dismiss it and move on with my life, or maybe I should think that life is telling me something and I should try my hand at Pointillism, or maybe, it was me who made this art in a previous life and life is having a little fun with me. I don’t know.

Life is strange.

Slackware Linux!

I first started using Linux in 2011 and ever since I learned about Slackware Linux I always wanted to try it. But Slackware Linux is for advanced users, they said, and so I thought I would give it a try later when I become advanced. Well, the year is 2017 and I still don’t consider myself to be advanced, but Slackware suddenly started to tempt me. I watched a few videos on Youtube and today I finally took the plunge! (actually it is 1 AM right now and I installed the thing somewhere around 11 PM yesterday).

Ubuntu is just for the curious amongst us. But Slackware is the doorway to Linux madness.

First you descend down  Slackware, then you grope around the endless dark tunnels of Gentoo Linux, and finally LFS (Linux From Scratch) entices you and ensnares you.

Boy am I looking forward to LFS! I just spent the last 15 minutes installing Gedit, a simple notepad like program, in my machine. But it was fun and completely worth it.

I am now a Slacker! 🙂

 

2015 — a review

2015 started as a pretty ordinary year. It progressed as an ordinary year and it continued to progress as an ordinary year. My 2015’s resolution was a disaster; my meditation practice had come to standstill; I wasn’t learning anything and I was confused. I was on the verge of calling it a slump, a downward spiral, depressingly…….er…depressing, and so on. But there was one huge, tremendous highlight towards the end of the year. One thing led to another and my whole life has changed within a matter of weeks! 🙂 And what a great year 2016 has turned out to be! The light at the end of the 2015 tunnel was my pilgrimage to the Himalayas and in particular to Mahavatar Babaji’s cave. I prayed and meditated there and I wished that Babaji would show me a proper path. I wished that he would put me on track to reach my destiny and he seems to have done it. But not quite in the way I had imagined. I still don’t know how all this is going to work out, but I trust in him and in my Guru, all the great Masters and divine souls and in God to show me the way. One step at a time, one step at a time! 🙂

Thank you, Lord God!

Thank you, Mahavatar Babaji!

Thank you, all Yogis and Divine Souls and Angels!

Thank you, my Guru! 🙂

My experience with a shadow person

When I was a little kid, I often had dreams of being haunted by a shadow being at night. I remember the figure being that of a boy like myself and I was terrified of those nightmares. The worst nightmare was when I saw myself sleeping and this shadow suddenly jumped up on me and started choking me. I opened my eyes and to my horror, I saw this shadow being still on top of me. I thrashed my body, but I couldn’t move. I lay there paralyzed and I shouted for help. As I started shouting, the shadow person dived away from me and passed right through the grilled window nearby. My shouting woke up my uncle who was sleeping nearby and he comforted me. That was the last time I ever saw that being  and I was about six years old when it happened.  Till now, I am unable to confirm and dismiss that it was all a dream.

I am documenting this today because I came across a Wikipedia page that describes these shadow people. I had no idea that other people too have experienced this. I literally shivered when I read this line: people had reported the figures attempting to “jump on their chest and choke them”. This is exactly what happened to me.

The Wikipedia entry about shadow people:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_person

Update: 10 minutes after publishing this post, I remembered something. I have a fear of getting choked. Sometimes, I feel that my neck is exposed and I feel that it has to be protected. Whenever I get this feeling, I rub my neck. I am not sure if this fear is because of the incident that I have described above.

The Monk and the Warrior

By the middle of next month, I will turn 28. The number scares me a bit and the thought that I am becoming older and older is alarming. I have so many desires and sometimes my desires drive me crazy. I joined Ananda Sangha in November, 2013. The next one year was spiritual and I kept my desires and other nagging thoughts at bay. But 2015 has been not very spiritual so far. I don’t meditate as much as I did during 2014 and I have encouraged myself to work harder towards my goals. But my goals seem to go further away from me and I face more obstacles as I work more. Sometimes I just want to throw away everything and embrace monk-hood. But I have so many desires. I came close to that during February 2014, but I was told to think about it and as time passed I gave up the idea. I don’t think I can be a monk in this lifetime. I am fighter. That’s what I am — a fighter. I always have been, and I always will be. This year, particularly the last few months, the fighting spirit in me has grown stronger. I do not know what to do. It is as though there is something that is waiting for me and once I understand what that is I will fight for it (or towards it). I do not know what is in store for me in life. Sometimes I think I should just listen to my friends and family and marry a girl and settle down in life. But I don’t think I am marriage-material. At least not right now. I do have the desire to fall in love with a woman, marry her and raise kids just like everybody else. But, the fighter in me is gearing up for something and he says no. The problem is, he has been gearing up for a fight for a very long time and he doesn’t know what he is looking forward to. It’s been this way for many years. I am confused and my mind is restless these past few days.

There is a monk in me, but the warrior is more active and he keeps getting stronger.

Being a grown-up sucks big time

When I was little kid, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would never grow up. Even at that young age, I knew that being a grown-up wasn’t a fun thing. And true to that promise, I still love a lot of stuff that I loved as a little boy. But still, growing up into this almost six-foot figure has taken its toll. I recently visited the ancient city of Thanjavur (aka Tanjore), which happens to be my parents’ birthplace. I went there by train along with some of my family members, and I looked long and hard at the railway station and the surrounding area that I so often had visited over the years. There was a time, which extended even onto the last leg of my teenage years, when travelling by train to Thanjavur excited me so much. I loved trains and being at Thanjavur was always exciting. But not anymore. I didn’t feel anything whilst I was there. I rummaged through some of my old memories and still I felt nothing. It was a depressing moment. “What has happened to me?” I questioned myself. Is this how all grown-ups feel? I think, as a child, everything looks so fresh and exciting to us. Once we grow up, the freshness of this world disappears.

When will I reach my Neverland?

Afterthought: I still get excited when I travel to new places — especially, if that new place is a hill station.