By the middle of next month, I will turn 28. The number scares me a bit and the thought that I am becoming older and older is alarming. I have so many desires and sometimes my desires drive me crazy. I joined Ananda Sangha in November, 2013. The next one year was spiritual and I kept my desires and other nagging thoughts at bay. But 2015 has been not very spiritual so far. I don’t meditate as much as I did during 2014 and I have encouraged myself to work harder towards my goals. But my goals seem to go further away from me and I face more obstacles as I work more. Sometimes I just want to throw away everything and embrace monk-hood. But I have so many desires. I came close to that during February 2014, but I was told to think about it and as time passed I gave up the idea. I don’t think I can be a monk in this lifetime. I am fighter. That’s what I am — a fighter. I always have been, and I always will be. This year, particularly the last few months, the fighting spirit in me has grown stronger. I do not know what to do. It is as though there is something that is waiting for me and once I understand what that is I will fight for it (or towards it). I do not know what is in store for me in life. Sometimes I think I should just listen to my friends and family and marry a girl and settle down in life. But I don’t think I am marriage-material. At least not right now. I do have the desire to fall in love with a woman, marry her and raise kids just like everybody else. But, the fighter in me is gearing up for something and he says no. The problem is, he has been gearing up for a fight for a very long time and he doesn’t know what he is looking forward to. It’s been this way for many years. I am confused and my mind is restless these past few days.
There is a monk in me, but the warrior is more active and he keeps getting stronger.