It is 12:53 AM as I am writing this and I have to to get up before 5 AM to get ready for my morning shift at office. It’s been almost two hours since I went to bed and my mind has been full of thoughts — negative thoughts mostly. I am not sure what to do with my life. I have to make a long-pending decision about my career and yet I have not done it. I haven’t done it because I don’t know what to decide. Should I continue in my boring current project? Or should I get released and pursue other opportunities? I have a great desire to become a Linux administrator (maybe for two years or so), and then go on to pursue other Linux related opportunities. But working on the IT infrastructure side of things mean to work round the clock and I don’t want to do that. What would happen if I start working on a project that needs 24/7 support? It means I cannot attend my weekend meditation classes; it means that I will never be able to establish a routine to learn anything; it means that I can never plan things ahead of time.
I also don’t want to continue doing what I am doing right now.
I am also addicted to reading books. Books are my number one hobby and I have at least thirty unread books at my book shelves waiting for me. I have an unhealthy obsession over accumulating knowledge; it’s unhealthy because I am so worried about not being able to find time to read my beloved books and I have already decided what books to buy in the coming months. There was a time when I could sit and continuously read for eight hours, but those days are long gone. Now I can read continuously only for about three hours; my eyes easily gets strained these days and so I have been forced to cut down on my reading time. It’s insane. A year back I started taking meditation classes because I wanted to escape my insanity and now it’s creeping into me again. It’s starting again now because I HAVE to make a decision about my career. I just don’t know what to do. I am praying to God, to my Guru, and I am not getting any answers. Maybe I am praying it wrong; maybe my Guru is answering me, but I have such a closed heart that I am not hearing it; maybe it’s my karma to rot in this lifetime because of my indecisiveness. Who knows?
And there are other worries too… oh let me worry about them later…
Maybe I should get addicted to alcohol and forget everything…I should just drink and drink until I die.